Sunday, November 4, 2007

comedic timing

it's interesting. i've been described many times as a person who must be driven by purpose. if i'm not, then i do nothing. i sit in my room and stare at my wall and waste time. but if there is a clear purpose behind my actions, then nothing will stop me. or at least that's what they say. and honestly, i agree.

time and time again, i have started something, full of excitement and energy, but it lasts a week or so, and then the project gets pushed under the bed to gather dust while being forgotten. or i get frustrated and give up, throwing the project against the wall, thinking it was stupid to ever dream. it's when things remain stagnant that i lose hope. and i don't think is unusual. it's common for everyone. we think, i don't see it happening, so how can it be happening?

when i was accepted to be apart of the ireland team, i was so excited. i never thought i could be wanted in a mission field or want to be in the mission field, so i was astonishing when everything came together so perfectly. i mean (with a little coaxing) i was able to get my letters out in a fairly timely fashion, which for me is unheard of, as i'm known for my procrastination.

but a few weeks passed, and nothing was happening. money wasn’t coming in and i was having serious doubts that i had made a rash decision. how could God use me? why would He want to? doesn't He remember what i've done? doesn't He know all the desire that i still wrestle with? i'm still so messed up? all i could think about was where i had failed and how i could fail in the near future. my shortcomings consumed me. i even told jen tanner, my accountability, that i was praying for God to not provide the money; that that would be easier to face then admitting i didn't want to go to ireland. but that was a lie that had imbedded itself in my brain. i did want to go. i do want to go. but i was so enveloped in this idea that i wasn't good enough, that i wasn't perfect enough, i would rather give up.

and this is what i had to give up; this toxic mindset that tore me apart and told me i was nothing. and when i gave that to God, when i offered everything to Him, accepted that i wasn't perfect and i am not going to be perfect and all the parts of me i see as my failures and disappointments are exactly the parts He wants to use, that's when things really took off. they say timing is everything and if that is true, then God is the best freaking comedian ever.

in three weeks, $1,840 has come in (thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you). and my doubts, through a lot of prayer, have been ironed out and refocused. and i re-realize that i'm not and never was the purpose.

He is.

in His purpose.

1 comment:

Peter said...

"i sit in my room and stare at my wall and waste time."
- ;)

"it's common for everyone. we think, i don't see it happening, so how can it be happening?"
- oh wow...i was totally going through that like a month ago. I was so confused about whether or not I was called to do worship, since I wasn't really seeing any physical results. i'm happy that you included it, it made me remember what i have just dealt with. it's good to remember, it helps me focus. thank you.

"...that i'm not and never was the purpose.

He is."

- this right here is what I live for! wow Wow WOW! This just made my day. seriously. it took me so freakin long to realize that. again, you are making me remember things that I have entirely pushed aside. (I had kind of a bad day and have been really distracted with school, so this really allowed for me to just take some time to re-evaluate my life. lol, and it wasn't even at 3am..who woulda thought ;) .