what it means to be family

It all went by so fast. I remember the first moment I arrived in Kansas. The nervous excitement that immediately pulled my eyes to the people I was looking for, even though I had never seen them before (it was that… or the fact that they were waving for me). Their smiles mirrored my anxiety. And so it began, a group of 14 strangers feeling the same uneasiness, making us an instant family, though we may have not known that at the time, (it takes some of us, like me, longer than others to figure these things out). though we were in essence “family,” I still felt alone, and yet not quite, wary of these people like I was wary of the tethers that held me to the high ropes course throughout orientation, the most brilliantly awkward two days of my life… But there I was and there they were, with a collective strength to hold me firm through the instability of my course. They were there for me when I wasn’t there for them, when I couldn’t take care of myself, when I said the worst things to tear them apart and when I just didn’t care. I remember the morning I realized they were my family… After a night of stalling in a gear I had been running in before Kairos, I had to go to these people I had been surrounded by for many months but had never really let into my life and I had to bear my soul. For a moment in time I was naked before them, and they wrapped me in a blanket of acceptance, mercy and forgiveness. They loved me; with all of the parts of me I hated so much, they love me. For this, I thank them. I love them. They are my family, holding me up on the wire I can’t balance on by myself. They are my fuel and my fire. They are my God’s-love tangible. In retrospect, there is not a doubt in my mind, considering what I did and said or didn’t do and didn’t say, that the only way they made it through with me was by the blessing of God’s love in and through them. In the beginning, we were all scared, we all thought we didn’t belong, but we had been put together, no doubt by God’s wise hand, and we grew together. I was sharpened by them as much as they were sharpened by me, if not more. For this, I thank you. Without your prayers and support, I would not have been able to walk this line with them. I would not have been able to work with them, sing with them, dance with them, laugh with them, cry with them and fall in love with them. God did an amazing work in all of us these last ten months and will continue to do so. He will never leave us nor forsake us. For this, I thank Him. So sing praise and raise a glass to the Great Physician, who never leaves us broken, but completes us in his name.

been there, done that

China was unlike anything I could have expected. It wasn’t that I was expecting to be like Ireland—I knew it wouldn’t be. I knew that this summer any would be unlike the summer before considering I was going into a country that if they had known what I was really doing there they would not have treated me like such a celebrity; a country so vast we know little about it to work with people who live a life so foreign a life from the one I understand in America. But hey, I’ve been a small group leader before, so it can’t be that different, right? Oh how wrong I was. I’ve told people that this summer was the hardest in my life, which surprises some because my first summer stretched me in ways I had never been stretched before. But this summer I lived in such a way that is so diametrically opposed to our human nature—I lived pushing against the selfishness that claims us all. I don’t me that I simply served others and not myself, though that was a part of it—there have been times when even serving others has turned into a way of serving myself. This summer was about living in the constant submission to the Father’s heart, allowing Him, without resistance, to guide me in my steps, in my words, in my actions and in my relationships. Nothing I did this summer was by my own strength or ability, but by the power and provision of the Perfect One. This summer I saw in a tangible sense the giving spirit of God, His father-heart, His desire to use me to His great ability. He granted me the blessing of using all my weakness and mistakes and frustrations for His purpose. I have found there is nothing greater than being completely emptied of everything that I am and giving God the right to fill me completely with all that He is and all He wants me to be. He is my Father, my Protector, my closest Friend and my Teacher. Give praise today, brothers and sisters, to the Great I Am, who is and was and always will be our Lover and our Savior, for He is worthy to be praised.

this is a tricky business: part 2

i don't know where i left off, but let me fill you in with what has happened so far...
(mind you this is the very abridged version)

we were in chongzhou (chun-zoh) working with high school student through different events and themed days to build reletionships by which we could then talk about the Father and the Good News. we went to the school two times a day and we stayed in a hotel about a 15 minute walk away from the school, so we definately got a work out. not to mention the five flights of stairs we had to climb to our rooms. we visited villages and tryed to help were we could in the city picking up trach and clean stores and what not. that was difficult just because the chinese cannot fathom why americans would want to serve them. but we're all about breaking stereotypes here. we also visited the stone forest which was an adventure.

currently we are in jieyiang (jie-young). were staying at a private school where we work with teachers and students in a similar but differnt program. it's a language camp where anyone who knows some english can improve, but the purpose is the same- to build relationships through which we can introduce the Father. here, we've climbed a mountain. and by climbed a mountain i mean we've climbed 1,746 steps to the top of a mountain. IT WAS AMAZING! and we also went to the 10,000 bamboo forest, which was also interseting and beautiful.

the Father has really been doing a good work here in China and in our family. He grows us and strengthens us each day and it's impossible not to see His majesty in the Vastness that is China. there are 6 million people in the city we are currently in. and that's a small city... i don't even know if it's on a map. all that to say, He is big and we have definately seen that here.

i hope this finds you well and that the Father blesses you. thank you for your words and continue to give thanks to Him and with others.

peace,
sara.

this is a tricky business

training camp came and went and before i knew it we were in china. and i know it's been a long, long while since i wrote anything, and perhaps you're wondering what about the second semester? well, i'll do what i can to catch up later, but for now, let's focus on the present.

china is nothing like i expected. we don't eat rice at every meal, there are no egg rolls, two seconds out the door and you're swimming in your shorts and through the air it's so thick with humidity. people here do not all look the same, there isn't a mcdonalds within 50 miles of our hotel. not everyone i've run into is a genius. the people here are extremely friendly, though i've been assured that that is because i'm american. it doesn't bother me anymore to be stopped by some random person asking to take my picture. people everywhere, old and young, yell out whatever english they know nad get such a thrill to see us turn and reply. it's like a unspoken game between us and them. look and the funny americans and laugh. it's actually quite wonderful. i was telling our amaing teacher earlier how blessed i have been to have visited three very different cultures within this last year.

and i was just informed i have about four minutes so i'm going to wrap it up and i'll write more later.

i hope the father blesses you and that this find you well.
peace brothers and sisters.
sara.

spurgeon paper

another paper for class. the title analogy is a bit shotty, but roll with me.

"breakfast at tiffany’s"

During the formative years of my life, the following events took place: freshman year of high school—enrolled in a four year culinary arts program that led to an internship and job during senior year; sophomore year—quit the culinary program to get into advanced acting and began piano lessons; junior year—quit acting because of differences with the teacher and tried my hand at adolescent psychology, also quit piano lessons; senior year—dropped the two year pysch program due to too much self-diagnosing and completed computer literacy and dance (not simultaneously). And while I was able to stick through four years of water polo, I only participated in two years of swimming and one year of track, because I just wasn’t having fun. Longest job: ten months. Shortest job: two weeks. College drop-out.

After hearing this resume, most would say I have some commitment issues. I would say they are very correct. But what’s the big deal? I mean, isn’t it good to keep your options open in case something better comes along? Really, I’m just being flexible to my environment, and blessed are the flexible… right? Perhaps I’m just kidding myself out of thinking I’m simply a product of my generation—a generation that when the going gets tough, we runaway. We all talk a big talk, but when it comes to keeping our nose to the grindstone, we huff and wince and say, “But that thing smells and I just got my nails done, so I really don’t want to get my hands dirty and I think I just heard…uh, Bob… call my… um, I’m just gonna see if he needs help with… paperclips?” What’s happening is we’ve lost focus in developing key values of character and what’s worse is it’s infiltrating an area of our lives that should be steady as a rock—our relationship with God.
So what do we do? Well, if we can’t help ourselves, we should look to someone else to help us. Case in point: Charles Spurgeon. We can look to Spurgeon for his examples in discipline. He recognized that the most important thing in life is our relationship with God and when you are dedicated to Him, being dedicated to others and to other things almost comes naturally. Through Spurgeon, we can understand that character does not come from accidentally having the right genes or a responsibility you gain when you turn 21; it comes from a willingness to suffer, to build a faith that endures because of a deep love for the Lord.

One of the biggest contributors to complacency in my generation today is due to our unwillingness to step out and take a risk, because with risk there is an opportunity for failure, and failure many times leads to suffering. We have it ingrained in our brains that if we do anything, we will suffer the consequences. I wonder if for Christians, this sentiment is heightened because we see failure as being eternally worse. So instead we construct rules to adhere to, because as much as we may say we don’t like rules at least it gives us a standard to live by, so when we get to heaven we can say, “But God, I followed your rules. I lived to the standard.” Perhaps that’s true, but following God doesn’t equate a relationship with God. I can follow the instructions sent to me through a computer, but unless I leave my cubicle, I’ll never know why I’m doing them and, perhaps more importantly, I’ll never know the one sending them. Unless I leave my box, however sturdy, however comfortable, however familiar it may be, I’ll never become a better worker; I’ll only be a robot, typing away information for no reason. Spurgeon, being a man drowned by suffering (and by that, I mean hardship), says, “A mother’s heart cries, ‘Spare my child’; but no mother is more compassionate than our gracious God” (129). It’s as if we think that in stepping out and very likely, failing, God will shake His head at us, strike us down in His almighty wrath… there are a bunch of Christians running around who have forgotten how to live by grace and I’m one of them. Spurgeon explains this is not the character of God, and if we can’t trust in the infallible character of God, what is faith?

Well, some might say that faith is believing the Truth. In the Christians life, faith is believing that God is who He says He is and that He’ll do what He says He’ll do. But it seems like this is one of the most difficult things to do as a Christian, as mentioned above. It’s interesting how these two concepts are essentially codependent on each other; that in order to build up an enduring faith, we must be willing to suffer (like Romans 5:3-5) and that it also takes faith to step out to be willing to suffer. This challenge of faith becomes less of a challenge as we become completely and utterly dependent on God. And this doesn’t mean that only for life issues do we thrust all our cares on God and believe that He will carry us through (not that we shouldn’t do that), but are we really able to trust Him in the most challenging areas of out lives when we refuse to let Him take control and work the least areas of life. Spurgeon says that, “We generally make out worst blunders about things that are perfectly easy, when the thing is so plain that we do not ask God to guide us, because we think our own common sense will be sufficient, and so we commit grave errors” (43). How radical would our faith be if we cast every area of our life upon God? I mean, that’s all He really asked of us anyway, right? I believe that if the body of Christ, if I, began to consciously throw every part of my life on God, laid if all at His feet, not only would it become less of a task-that-I-must-do, but our love for God would grow deeper through this act of humility.

Now, I’ll admit, a part of me wants to laugh and say this is a lot easier said than done, but it fundamentally isn’t. The reason it appears difficult is because it would require from me a sense of discipline that I’m really not use to. Because how I’m I supposed to trust the character of God unless I know God's character and the only way to know someone’s character, is to get to spend time with them. What it takes is dedication. Spurgeon draws a really interesting analogy between us and a squirrel in a tree, explaining, “I wondered and admired the beech, but I thought to myself, I do not think half as much of this beech as yonder squirrel does. I see him leap from bough to bough, and I feel sure that he dearly values the old beech tree, because he has his home somewhere inside it in a hollow place, these branches are his shelter, and those beechnuts are his food. He lives upon the tree… With God’s word it is well for us to be like squirrels, living in it and living on it” (106). In order to have faith in the first place, we must know what we are claiming to have faith in.

Personally, all this is a little daunting to look at and read as something that is being called out of me. And yet there is encouragement in the fact that it is possible. Spurgeon would be the example of how these few aspects of our walk with God work together, weaving into each other to create in us a real sense of who God is and who God wants us to be. I believe that at the root of everything, God is really calling us to one thing—commitment. Through commitment, feelings can grow. In commitment, we can love God and those around us as He loved us. Because really, love is a commitment. Jesus was committed, in love with His Father and His children, when He paid our debt with His blood. So maybe now it’s my turn to settle down, commit and give the cat a name.

part 2: letter from debriefing

it was strange for me- to step off a plane in a country so unfamiliar, knowing what i intend to do and yet not having any clue, really, what i'm getting myself into. i mean, can we ever really grasp what outreach is? how God can potentially move? what are we getting ourselves into?
life...
taking one step at a time...
trust...
the root of faith...
it feels like i've been preparing for so long, building up my belief, my faith, that this is right- what i'm about to do is right and good and purposed. (it's a pride issue...) but as you walk out of the terminal and into the heat and the red dust and the sweet bite of sweat, doubt takes over. what if? remind yourself
it is...
it will...
you will...
they will...
He will...

and so it begins. and putting all that aside, i hop in the van, off to immerse myself in the village horde. we drive, and as i watch out the window, and i see a man stumble into a wall, the brick providing the support his legs cannot, because the deflated paper bag he clutches in his hand has taken his strength and replaced it with an unreality, my reality hits, once again.
we're not in kansas anymore.
my shelteredness astounds me. are these people so different then me? life point one of trip: i am not better, nor is my culture better, than anyone or anything presented here. i must accept that i live in a broken world, and this mircocosm is not worse off than the one i'm familiar with in the states and i'm not here to save it because i can't.

two days later, we reach our first village. once more, even though i lack a mirror, i'm faced with Pride. and i play with the children and try to speak spanish with them, but she's there, screaming in the back of my mind HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPIER THAN ME! you, who have no shoes and live in huts where bugs can kill your heart... reason works my Pride, saying i have more, i have better, therefore i am... i should be... but i only think that because i have experienced a life where i can have more and have taken more. my mind says they should be unhappy because they don't have better but why should they be when they cannot fathom my mind's standard of "better". better for them is a house with a cement floor and a tin roof, the ibuprofen i take for granted, flip-flops i naver think twice about... better for them is life with Jesus and i found myself in quick and dire need of an attitude change. instead of letting the devil work in my emotions and raise my Pride and make me angry that these people lead happier, more content lives then me, i chose to act in the opposite and do my best to help the villagers in anyway i can and rejoice with them in the small pleasure of life. leading to life point two of the trip: americans have everything but time, therefore we never share it with you. hondurans don't have anything but time, therefore they give it with you.

see, what was happening was, as i dwelled in the thoughts of gross superiority, i lost focus and lost interest and lost energy. i began thinking it was pointless, worhtless, that i wasn't really doing anything, because these people could never know, would never know, what i have. (oh, come on. like that's really what's important, sara.) the more i didn't do because i thought it didn't matter, the less i wanted to do. so i forced myself to neglect me and hang out with the kids, sing a song, play soccer... and you know what happened? when i was able to get over myself, i found i was falling more and more in love with the people, with my environment and with my God. because, with the focus off of me, i was able to see that everyone wants to know they are loved and everyone wants to know they are worthwhile. enter life point three of the trip: do something. newton's law of inertia says that an object at rest will stay at rest; an object in motion will stay in motion (i know i over-simplified it, but you get the picture), and i believe God may know a thing or two about physics, so... maybe i should trust Him.

maybe i should trust Him.
more.
often.

been a long time coming

i know.
i'm terrible.
forgive me.

but these last couple months have been near indescrible in their velocity and magnitude. it's been movement since january. blitz lived up to it's name and flew by. not only did we meet some amazing kids who i can't wait to see on the hayfeild in june, but it provided a vital time where we could grow from being students with a kairos commonality to a family of confidants. it was vital because right after blitz we headed to honduras and i believe that if we had not been as tight as we were, outreach would have been a very difficult task. but it was amazing, not only in what we saw and did, but i was blessed to learn more about my brothers and sisters, to witness their passion and see their hearts. there were moments when i was seriously astonished by how well we worked as a team, getting construction projects done quickly; how positve we stayed, living out of blue duffel bags and sleeping on cement floors in cramped one room schools; how encouraging we were to each other, after the rain caused our five hour hike through the rainforest to a very slippery, very dirty one.

(sidenote: even though it was long and hot and extremely dirty and uphill and downhill, it was the most demanding, cleansing, wonderful, beautiful experiences of my life and i would trek those opolaca mountains with just three litters of water and my bible on my back again any day.)

honduras was like clean water through my spitiual digestive system; it washed me out but i felt refreshed and energized and stregthened, not just by the love we tried to show the villagers, but the love that they reciprocated to us. we didn't just bring the joy with us; we were met with joy everywhere we went.

and then there was spring break, which after driving to minnesota, driving to wisconsin, driving back to minnesota, driving to chicago, driving to kansas, and flying to san jose, left me more exhausted then all the hiking in honduras. but i had some wonderful time at home, spending it with friends and family and trying to soak in as much sun as possible before returning to kansas. good thing too because it's been gray and rainy the last couple of days.

and now we're getting back into the swing of things. we're all a little awkward around each other, but i blame that on our lack of team momentum. soon enough the old jokes will return and one on ones and the love that at times is a little too much and then we'll be begging for a break.
but for now, life has resumed and it is as it always was and it is as it should be and it is right.
it is right.

it's good to be back.