Sunday, November 4, 2007

bread and butta

i obviously stink at keeping up with writing and such, considering i've only writen three of these things... anyway...

so i leave in ten days. TEN DAYS! and i've told both places i work that there are about seven days left in me for them and everyone wants to know, am i excited. and it's sad (to me) that i honestly haven't taken the time to feel anything about what is going to happen when i broad that plane by myself and head to chicago to meet four girls i will be leading around a foreign country. this is a load of firsts for me. and whenever i take time (in the midst of applying for college and working 13 hour days) to think about ireland, i don't feel excitement. i feel confusion and fear and sometimes nothing at all simply because i don't know how to feel about it. and those sound like terrible things to feel as i enter into this experience, but i shoot for the truth. my mind tells me about trust and joy and how God hasn't failed me yet and anyway, it's not about you, it's about what He is going to do through you to show His perfect love and grace, so don't stress. but i daily struggle with my failures; the shame of my mistakes still sits before me like an open trench. i stare over the edge and all i see is death. it's like the scene in indiana jones and holy grail, where indie needs faith to walk the invisible bridge. and you would think that i could convince myself of His faithfulness, since He has proven it time and time again, not to mention this isn't death, it's a mission trip. but i see my words failing and a new crevasse forming; i see me forgetting something and rocks slipping.

so i guess this is a final reminder to myself that this is not about me, because most likely what i just mentioned will happen, but another thing that will happen is that lives will change, even by failing words and things forgotten. and maybe it'll be the irish and maybe it'll be my team... probably both. but any way you slice it, He is the bread of life, having already been broken, just asking to be passed around.

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