hard and cold as earth, baby

IT'S SNOWING! i've never seen this before. it's not thanksgiving yet and there is snow on the ground. CRAZY! okay. moments over. moving on.

man, there is so much to write, i don't even know where to begin. every day i'm learning something new. like, i now know how to crochet beenies. i know, i know... i'm a grandma, but it's a really valuable life lesson. i'm kidding, of course. (about the life lesson part. i really do know how to crochet.)

it's interesting to me that each thing we learn overlaps. it doesn't really fit well in my compartmentalized brain. at school, physics goes in its physics box and english in its english box. but here, spiritual warfare is waged everday, so it is a factor in your relationships and requires constant prayer and knowledge of yourself and your foundations in Christ and the scriptures. that's like the thesis statement of the last weeks. honestly, i've never been good at writing papers for school, so the term "thesis statement" always hinders my ability to compile coherent paragraphs... where am i going with this? i guess the bulk of this paper should be about my foundations and what i've learned about myself. truth be told, it seems like we've spent more time in class figuring out ourselves then we have God, but when you think about it, it makes sense for two reasons. first, if i don't know myself, why would i bother to know the God who created me. that may sound selfish, but most young people i know are so wrapped up in themselves because they are on this journey to "find" themselves. but what do they do when they finally come upon who they are? it seems like the most humble thing to do is figure yourself out so that you can finally forget about you and consentrate on God. and i don't mean this whole time we have lost sight of God; He is actively apart of finding ourselves. i'm sorry. maybe this is confusing. let's continue...

second, it is impossible to understand the unfathomable YHWH, so, since we are created in His image, by learning about myself, His mystery becomes discernable to the confines of my human brain. not that my spiritual gifts or personality traits are a reflection of His capacity, but that they are a glimpse of His magnificence and that He is so so much more than what has been created in me. you still with me? good.

"so what is all "knowing yourself" mumbo-jumbo your talking about here?" well, we took a personality test and a spiritual gift inventory, which were frighteningly accurate and shocking, respectively. first was the personality element profile (pep). it divides personailties into four major elements-earth, wind, fire and water. of these, i am an earth, through and through. pretty much, you can just think about the element and know the traits of its owner. i'm accurate, organized, focused, serious, steady, dedicated, slow moving, structured and conscientious. sound right? ain't gonna lie, it's a little difficult in the dynamic of kairos. i'm the only double earth; shane is also an earth, but he's blended with water, so he's more adaptable and easy-going. most everyone else is some degree of a wind, the element completely opposite to me. they're all flexible and talkative and emotion-driven and sometimes, they just bug me. but that's the point behind this-to figure ourselves out so that we can learn the best ways to interact and work with one another.

then there was the spiritual gift inventory. if you look in romans, paul lists several motivational gifts; this is the list the test is based on. what's great is that we didn't just learn what areas we're gifted in, we also learned what it means to have spiritual gifts and why and how to use them. i am gifted primarily in administration (it goes along with earth, i think), followed by mercy (i know... shocker) and perception. kevin told me that it is a very unlikely combination to have mercy and perception, but that God must like me, because if i didn't have mercy, i'd be a very difficult person to be around. thanks kevin. but i gotta say, i'm excited to know about these gifts. i feel like i have super powers.

but seriously, it's great to understand the reasons behind why i feel and act the way i do. it helps me to see myself through His eyes- as His beloved creation. to know i do things on purpose, not just willy-nilly for no good reason, humbles me. He loves me enough to have made me so intricate. ladies and gents, you may not understand all the little things you do naturally, but all those little nuances you think are ridiculous are His fingerprints on you. that's how much He loves you. and you know what the means? it means He is even more elaborate. and i don't know about you, but i'm excited to exhaust the inexhaustible God.

but then again, i'm an earth. i like detail-oriented things.

peace in His immeasurable love.

the setting

this is probably the most difficult blog to write just because it's the first and there is so much to get through...

it's cold. the warm days here are cold days back in the desert. for the first two weeks, everyone asked me if i was doing alright because of the weather. and i miss mountains. it really took some getting used to looking out on the horizon and seeing for miles and miles. and i don't like trains. there are trains everywhere. i've seen more trains here then cows and corn combined, and that shocks me. and they blow there horns forever at a time, in the middle of the night... i. hate. trains. i've started drinking coffee again. i know, it's sad. but in my defense, when it's 47 degrees outside and you need to sit in the barn for three hours of biblical foundations, you need something. on the upside, i make a pretty mean mocha drink. mmhmm...

oh, the barn- that is our classroom. it's a real barn that has been completely remodeled, so i think it's pretty neat. i assume caleb from wisconsin doesn't share my enthusiasm. but that's also because caleb doesn't get excited about, well, anything. he's an interesting kid. i'm intrigued by him because i've never met anyone so easy-going. but i diverge. the barn is apart of life church, our host church, a church i absolutely love. i have never been excited about a church, and i'm not talking about going to church, but the Church, the people, the pastors, the vision... i'm so excited for everything that going to be happening in the next year here. clint sprague is the senior pastor and he is a lover of people. on sunday he said something i thought was very interesting. he said he doesn't want to reach out to people because he's a pastor, he's a pastor because he wants to reach out to people. and you know not just because he says it but because you can see it in the way he acts. he gets excited to share God's love with people. and everyone here, the people we intern with, the host families, the other pastors, they just love God and each other and love the Church. and the message of life always comes back to God's flawless, endless love. basically, the short version of all that is i've never felt more at home with a church. i actually prefer to spend more time at the barn then at my host home, probably because most of my days are spent there anyway so it feels more like a second home than a classroom.

the days here seem to stream together. it's takes some times to remember that i've only been here a month. routine has been formed, which i like. i've already read two books and turned in three papers, done a six-page personal study of luke (which doesn't really sound like a big deal, but i've never done an in-depth study of specific books in the Bible). right now, i'm (supposed to be) reading andrew murray's humility and doing a study of romans. i intern in media, so i work under the worship director, jared sholtz (who is crazy talented... crazy and talented) and sean, who did kairos last year, making video announcements and such.

so far it's been good. that's not to say there hasn't been awkwardness and discomfort and struggle and frustration, but i'm starting to wonder if those things aren’t necessarily good or bad. they are what they are. the consequences of a state of being make it good or bad, and because i have chosen to have faith in the hope that this will ultimately be good, i can withstand the pain. it's like running. which i've also started doing, down by lake olathe (just gorgeous at sunset, with the light weaving through the trees), which i should go do, because i haven't since it's been so cold this week and it happens to be a really nice day (51 degrees). but once i get my under armor, it's on. (and, in light of this last weeks teaching on spiritual warfare, that statement has a double-meaning.)

in His great love,

sara p.

introduction to the play

list of characters:
big dogs:
kevin- director of kairos
erika- my small group leader
kaymi- intern; also my small group leader
kaleb- guys small group leader
jessica- other ladies small group leader
pups:
shane
hope
hannah
brooke
kelsey g.
kelsey d.
lexey
zach
dustin
jack
crystal
janae
caleb
(don't worry, i don't expect you to remember them all.)
speakers:
jared sholtz- worship
steve seizemore- personal foundation, humilty, grace
dean sherman- relationships, spiritual warfare
ollie olsen- anything you want to know about the Bible, he's got the answer... no joke.

prologue:
everytime i get on the interent from my computer, i'm met with a google homepage, on which i have quotes for the day. today there was one from robert frost, "in three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life: it goes on." the quote speaks to me in a way i don't understand. it applies to how i feel, but i don't know why.

i could give you a lot of background from the last three weeks; tell you about all the speakers, what i've learned so far, the friends i've made, the places i've been to (which are few... i mean, this is kansas), but i won't. at least not know. trust me, you'll get plenty of it. and i'm excited to share it. but right now... right now, it's acknowledging that things are different but not really, i get it but i don't, my head knows but my heart is lacking.

but it goes on. as it should.

part 1: letter from debriefing

this is the moment you have stressed about for the last three months- the moment you enter the unknown, a moment the will last for at least three weeks. your family, your friends have been gathering for weeks, patting you and the back, trying their mightiest to reassure you that "you'll do great." you think, maybe they're right. maybe i will do great. i'm ready. i have my ten pairs of underwear, my two rolls of toilet paper, my hand sanitizer... yep, we're good to go.

then you arrive an hour late, find two people you've never met before in baggage claim (or maybe they find you first), get lost, spend a restless night on the floor in a room shared by 30+ female strangers. when the sun arrives, so does a new face ready to tear apart your two perfectly packed boxes and to rapidly repack (a.k.a. vigorously shove) their contents into an immense blue bag and get you registered before the hot water for oatmeal runs dry. you then have the privilege of riding in a school bus for four hours to "destination n/a" as the humidity seeps through the plastic seats to wearing on you like a winter coat.

and just when you begin to think, why couldn't the plane have crashed? you hear it. the soft roar of voices unmet. you see pants being flown proudly on their broomstick and you are told, "we believe in you more than you believe in yourself"; you swallow your fear with your stale gum... welcome to training camp. and though you don't realize it (not in a brainwashing sense, but in a stubborn pride sense), this is the start of a slow reformation.

so i sit here, listening to the wind and rain rage outside in tiny Pinner, England, and look back through five weeks of hammering and stripping away every peice of anything i once considered rational and comprehend only a fragment of the transformation that has begun, or perhaps it's that i'm hoping i only understand a part of what has happened, because i fear that knowing completely would mean losing the desire to continue searching. it has taken twenty years to get here... i would be satisfied if it took another twenty to finish.

this process is slow and tedious, but something beautiful has begun.

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." romans 5:3-5

i am...

wow. there are few words that can explain everything that has happened in the last few weeks. really in my mind, it's a whirl-wind and i have a difficult time remembering what i ate for breakfast. okay not really becasue it was malto, which we eat every morning. training camp quite possibly was the best experience of my life. the senoir staff ladies, Mary and Katie, are two of the most amazing women i have every met. those first two weeks would have been impossible to get through without them. and now in ireland, well... it's ireland. freezing, damp, exciting and new. it's interesting to look out the window and to know your in a different place, to recognize the buildings and the streets and even the people, yet know everything is different. it looks much like america (belfast reminds me of san fransisco), but greener and with squished buildings. we've started some ministry today, but it was cut short due to rain. you can sense God here; in the church, in the promanade, in the town square. it makes my stomach churn and keeps me nervous but in the best sense. i miss you all and aubrey, ruth says hello. she loves you and misses you and i think she's amazing.

ps. booddle ain't that bad.

much much love.
sara.

bread and butta

i obviously stink at keeping up with writing and such, considering i've only writen three of these things... anyway...

so i leave in ten days. TEN DAYS! and i've told both places i work that there are about seven days left in me for them and everyone wants to know, am i excited. and it's sad (to me) that i honestly haven't taken the time to feel anything about what is going to happen when i broad that plane by myself and head to chicago to meet four girls i will be leading around a foreign country. this is a load of firsts for me. and whenever i take time (in the midst of applying for college and working 13 hour days) to think about ireland, i don't feel excitement. i feel confusion and fear and sometimes nothing at all simply because i don't know how to feel about it. and those sound like terrible things to feel as i enter into this experience, but i shoot for the truth. my mind tells me about trust and joy and how God hasn't failed me yet and anyway, it's not about you, it's about what He is going to do through you to show His perfect love and grace, so don't stress. but i daily struggle with my failures; the shame of my mistakes still sits before me like an open trench. i stare over the edge and all i see is death. it's like the scene in indiana jones and holy grail, where indie needs faith to walk the invisible bridge. and you would think that i could convince myself of His faithfulness, since He has proven it time and time again, not to mention this isn't death, it's a mission trip. but i see my words failing and a new crevasse forming; i see me forgetting something and rocks slipping.

so i guess this is a final reminder to myself that this is not about me, because most likely what i just mentioned will happen, but another thing that will happen is that lives will change, even by failing words and things forgotten. and maybe it'll be the irish and maybe it'll be my team... probably both. but any way you slice it, He is the bread of life, having already been broken, just asking to be passed around.

comedic timing

it's interesting. i've been described many times as a person who must be driven by purpose. if i'm not, then i do nothing. i sit in my room and stare at my wall and waste time. but if there is a clear purpose behind my actions, then nothing will stop me. or at least that's what they say. and honestly, i agree.

time and time again, i have started something, full of excitement and energy, but it lasts a week or so, and then the project gets pushed under the bed to gather dust while being forgotten. or i get frustrated and give up, throwing the project against the wall, thinking it was stupid to ever dream. it's when things remain stagnant that i lose hope. and i don't think is unusual. it's common for everyone. we think, i don't see it happening, so how can it be happening?

when i was accepted to be apart of the ireland team, i was so excited. i never thought i could be wanted in a mission field or want to be in the mission field, so i was astonishing when everything came together so perfectly. i mean (with a little coaxing) i was able to get my letters out in a fairly timely fashion, which for me is unheard of, as i'm known for my procrastination.

but a few weeks passed, and nothing was happening. money wasn’t coming in and i was having serious doubts that i had made a rash decision. how could God use me? why would He want to? doesn't He remember what i've done? doesn't He know all the desire that i still wrestle with? i'm still so messed up? all i could think about was where i had failed and how i could fail in the near future. my shortcomings consumed me. i even told jen tanner, my accountability, that i was praying for God to not provide the money; that that would be easier to face then admitting i didn't want to go to ireland. but that was a lie that had imbedded itself in my brain. i did want to go. i do want to go. but i was so enveloped in this idea that i wasn't good enough, that i wasn't perfect enough, i would rather give up.

and this is what i had to give up; this toxic mindset that tore me apart and told me i was nothing. and when i gave that to God, when i offered everything to Him, accepted that i wasn't perfect and i am not going to be perfect and all the parts of me i see as my failures and disappointments are exactly the parts He wants to use, that's when things really took off. they say timing is everything and if that is true, then God is the best freaking comedian ever.

in three weeks, $1,840 has come in (thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you). and my doubts, through a lot of prayer, have been ironed out and refocused. and i re-realize that i'm not and never was the purpose.

He is.

in His purpose.